Sometimes being human I and you are not Okay. In the famous book “I’m OK, You’re OK” by Thomas Harris MD.
He suggests that people are in any of these three states of being.
In fact, much of his philosophy comes from another famous psychologist by the name of Eric Berne.
So why am I asking “I’m Okay, so How about You” is because what Harris found in his studies that the majority of people live in the state he refers to as “I’m not Ok, but You’re Ok.
And to me this is a sad reality, not only for me, but more importantly for you.
In “I’m Ok, You’re Ok”, there are three states of being according to Thomas Harris:
1. The first according to Harris where most people fit in: I’m not Ok, You’re Ok. Harris suggests that the majority live their lives in this state of being. I suggest we do because we THINK too much. Tolle as you read below suggests that people in this state experience, ”Pain Body”, which I will explain later on.
2. The second state is where criminals and people very unhappy are in: I’m Ok, You’re not Ok. I don’t wish to go here unless you are in criminal justice or a cop.
3. And third state is the state of living that Harris believes we all should aspire: I’m Ok, You’re OK. This is the place we all aspire to be as Harris suggests. My main discourse here is to explain how I became Okay, and maybe help some of you experience this Okay-ness feeling as well.
Before I proceed on the topic of Okay-ness, it is more a continuous advancement of an Okay process than a state of being. I need to tell you this before we continue. But please read on.
It is sad to me because I have to work harder in my kindnesses to you to help you out. But for you and me, the idea of you not realizing that Okay-ness can be a natural human state, and one that can be changed, if you only know how. But you have to begin by realizing you are not Okay, to change.
My goal here is to offer you a simple approach to rewinding you're not Okay-ness to becoming Okay or experiencing periods of Okay-ness within your everyday life.
Harris by the way discusses what Okay-ness is, but never really gets down to the nitty-gritty of the HOW to the point I believe he needed to do. So this is my treatise of what I do to experience Okay-ness, and a simple approach I do that you can do each day. .
So how do we start? You’re Not Okay-ness begins in your mind. When you were a little child, you ware always Okay. The reason you were is because back then your mind was not in charge of your life. As a child, it was your heart that made you feel Okay. But overtime, you drifted away from you heart and your Okay-ness to your head and to thought and began to experience being not Okay.
First of all, you have to recognize that this shift was not Okay to become Okay again. If you are Ok with not being Okay, then you might as well stop reading here. However, if you believe that deep down within your heart of hearts that you are really not Okay, the read on.
In fact, Eckhart Tolle in his book “A New Earth ~ Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” says it well. The way you know you are not Okay, is because you feel “Pain Body” as Tolle calls it, in our solar plexus. Or deep down inside, you experience a sense of pain, which is felt below the conscious, that you are really not Okay, even when you attempt to pretend to yourself and others you are Okay.
This is the not Okay-ness of which I want you to feel right now. You have to experience your own not Okay-ness to decide to become Okay. Also, if being Okay was a natural response for you as a child, like Jesus said, returning to this childlike state is your salvation and is doable. The only thing is it is going to take some work, for you to get back where you once were Okay.
However, you don’t need to fight or flight or create an adrenaline charge to get there. What you need is to become gentle on yourself. First to realize that switching from Okay-ness of heart from not Okay-ness of the head was a natural occurrence.
Yes, to function as an adult within an adult world you had to make the change. But I want you to instead, think of this adult not Okay-ness of thinking as a tool. To carpenter, it is like a hammer or a saw to get work done. But a carpenter only uses them when he is on the job. You need to see thinking as this too. You only need your head to think when you need to solve a problem, otherwise, you move back to heart.
Learning how to switch back and forth from work head and off the job heart; is what you need to learn to do. And that is the beginning of your home work today and over the rest of your life.
Second, that switching back is not only possible, but something that can be done, as long as you are kind to yourself in this process. Remember, living from heart begins with living with kindness to self from heart and then your kindness spreads outwards like an expanding circle, expands outwards towards the rest of the world.
Jesus called this process one of discovering compassion. Love of self, first; and then love spreading outwards to all mankind. And even one’s enemies. In fact, if you live this way you will not have any enemies at all because you will see everyone good or bad, as family. Even in families there are both white and black sheep, but because we are family, we accept everyone in love.
So how does one move from head to heart you may ask? Just like learning as a child, learning to be a child took practice, therefore moving from living from head to heart also takes practice too. The reasons I call it practice because as a child you learned from failure to success.
It wasn’t as if you began to walk and talk like a giraffe on the plains of the Serengeti. A baby giraffe has to walk as soon as it drops out of it mother’s womb or it will get eaten. But with children, progress takes time. So your progress using the idea of from failure to success, will take time for you to move back to heart. So learn to RELAX to apply this process.
However, I do have a simple approach to get there, if you have the time and patience necessary. But before I tell you how, let’s talk about what you are trying to accomplish with my Self-Hug technique that follows.
Also, remember to keep doing this over the next 30 days and beyond.
A Simple Daily Meditative Practice
Do something nice for yourself (Like this Self Hug seen in this picture above) every day. In order to get to self-actualize you have to set up time. Create Space habit every day. This is how it will change your life. Life is lived in the spaces between two thoughts to becoming awake. Why is this true?
It is because the pain we feel comes from the CHAOS within each thought. So the only real peace we can ever experience will be within the throught process itself. Why CHAOS leaves when your remain within that SPACE is because within that space itself is exists the NOW. The broader you can make that SPACE, the more NOW you enjoy. And within that space alone, is our only hope of escape.
A Human being needs to create a habit of expanding the space between both thought, to really live life from the heart. The more you can expand that gap, the happier you will be.
Let the moment be the priority and not the past or the future. When you are doing this exercise you are creating a GAP between thoughts and the longer you can hold that gap, the more awake you become. And there is no peace, in thought itself but only within the GAP between thought itself.
Remember that it is by living in this Now state, that is life's only constant.
So what does creating and widening and expandaning that GAP between two thoughts do?
The goal of reaching your Okay-ness is simply the longer you can spread out the GAP between thoughts, then the more joyous your life as a child, will become.
The idea is simple the further out your thinking the more peace you will experience. But because this process may take some time to do. So here is what I want you to practice at the same time each day whether in the morning the evening or both.
That is why doing a SIMPLE Self-Hug (like in the picture above) or any other practice as the video below suggests is how you gain you liberate yourself and experience your very own Okay-ness.
It is like doing the same Self-Hug technique at the same time each day morning evening or both, and which will create your very own meditative life. Why do I recommend doing this Self-Hug process.
It is because I believe for the beginner, or the practiced, it is the simplest, easiest and most direct way of creating daily SPACE I have found. And by using ths Self-Hug process daily, it can become your anchor from living in a busy world, and using it as a skill and as a reference towards your getaway.
So let’s begin the living from your heart process today!
Here are several processes you are moving from one small gap to another and to another, and so on.
(Please watch this VIDEO below)
Eric Berne and Thomas Harris MD
Additional Okay-ness Links